I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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