just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
