Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
