Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
