I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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