If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
