well you can't waste a boner
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
