I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
