I puked a lego.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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