I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
