Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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