i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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