dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize