walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
