She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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