nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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