it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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