Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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