I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
