Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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