All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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