i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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