I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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