I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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