im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are a genius and a whore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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