Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
