Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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