when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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