Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
