I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize