so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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