When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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