how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
