That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
