I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my shit smells like andre
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
