My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
