get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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