K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
