...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize