She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
