I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
BRING THE BAGELS
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
