I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
