My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
