between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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