I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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