If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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