her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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