I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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