the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
