he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
