Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
