After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
