shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
