I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize