after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
