Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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