At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
