this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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