i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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