i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My penis needs a shock collar
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
